Stop me if you’ve heard this one…
Two windmills are standing in a field.
One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?”
The other one says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
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I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”.
Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
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What’s the difference between a snake run over in the middle of the road and a trombone player run over in the middle of the road?
The snake MIGHT have been on his way to a paying gig.
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What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
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What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
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Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
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Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
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How many indie hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
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My laptop’s broken.
It keeps playing “Someone Like You” on a loop.
I think it’s a Dell.
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What kind of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
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With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.
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What do hip-hop muscians put on their cuts and grazes ?
Ghetto plasters.
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Me and some friends have just formed a band.
We’ve called ourselves “999 Megabytes”.
We haven’t got a gig yet…
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My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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What’s brown and sitting on a piano bench?
Beethoven’s last movement.
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I was given the worst Christmas present ever – a Bonnie Tyler sat nav.
It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
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What is a Jehovah’s Witness’ favorite band?
The Doors.
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How do you fix a broken brass musical instrument?
With a tuba glue.
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How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
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When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking.
But then I saw her face.
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What was stolen from the music store when it was robbed?
The lute.
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Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
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What do vegetarians order at a soul food restaurant?
The Ike and Tina Tuna.
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Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide?
He didn’t even leave a note.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?
He decomposes.
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What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?
The first row of a country concert.
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo’ drizzle.
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Whats the definition of Endless Love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one.
He’s never going to give you Up.
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Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
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My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
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Two Beach Boys walk into a bar.
“Round?”
“Round.”
“Get a round?”
“I’ll get a round!”
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What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
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I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.
That’s me in the Korma.
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Middle C, E flat and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the barman said. “We don’t serve minors.”
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Why did Bono fall off the stage?
He was too close to The Edge.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change it and five to sing about how good the old one was.
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What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger was invited to a famous composers’ fancy dress party.
When asked who he was going as, he replied, “I’ll be Bach.”
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Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
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Why did Bach have so many children?
Because he didn’t have any organ stops.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?
New age music.
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How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
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Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
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“Let me be clear about this: I don’t have a drug problem; I have a police problem.”
Keith Richards
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“A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo – and doesn’t.”
Mark Twain
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“Get up from that piano. You hurtin’ its feelings.”
Jelly Roll Morton
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“I don’t have a drinking problem, ’cept when I can’t get a drink.”
Tom Waits
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“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.”
Angus Young, AC/DC
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“Jazz isn’t dead. It just smells funny.”
Frank Zappa
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“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”
Dave Lee Roth, Van Halen
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“I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.”
George Burns
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“When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.”
Bob Hope
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“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, ‘denigrate’ means ‘put down.’”
Bob Newhart
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“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
Johnny Carson
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“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
Jerry Seinfeld
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“I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is.”
Steven Wright
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“I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.”
Eric Morecambe
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“I play all my country and western music backward – your lover returns, your dog comes back and you cease to be an alcoholic.”
Linda Smith
