Stop me if you’ve heard this one…
Two windmills are standing in a field.
One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?”
The other one says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
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I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”.
Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
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What’s the difference between a snake run over in the middle of the road and a trombone player run over in the middle of the road?
The snake MIGHT have been on his way to a paying gig.
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What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
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What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
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Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
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Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
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How many indie hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
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My laptop’s broken.
It keeps playing “Someone Like You” on a loop.
I think it’s a Dell.
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What kind of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
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With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.
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What do hip-hop muscians put on their cuts and grazes ?
Ghetto plasters.
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Me and some friends have just formed a band.
We’ve called ourselves “999 Megabytes”.
We haven’t got a gig yet…
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My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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What’s brown and sitting on a piano bench?
Beethoven’s last movement.
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I was given the worst Christmas present ever – a Bonnie Tyler sat nav.
It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
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What is a Jehovah’s Witness’ favorite band?
The Doors.
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How do you fix a broken brass musical instrument?
With a tuba glue.
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How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
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When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking.
But then I saw her face.
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What was stolen from the music store when it was robbed?
The lute.
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Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
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What do vegetarians order at a soul food restaurant?
The Ike and Tina Tuna.
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Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide?
He didn’t even leave a note.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?
He decomposes.
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What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?
The first row of a country concert.
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo’ drizzle.
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Whats the definition of Endless Love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one.
He’s never going to give you Up.
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Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
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My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
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Two Beach Boys walk into a bar.
“Round?”
“Round.”
“Get a round?”
“I’ll get a round!”
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What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
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I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.
That’s me in the Korma.
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Middle C, E flat and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the barman said. “We don’t serve minors.”
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Why did Bono fall off the stage?
He was too close to The Edge.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change it and five to sing about how good the old one was.
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What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger was invited to a famous composers’ fancy dress party.
When asked who he was going as, he replied, “I’ll be Bach.”
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Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
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Why did Bach have so many children?
Because he didn’t have any organ stops.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?
New age music.
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How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
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Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
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“Let me be clear about this: I don’t have a drug problem; I have a police problem.”
Keith Richards
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“A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo – and doesn’t.”
Mark Twain
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“Get up from that piano. You hurtin’ its feelings.”
Jelly Roll Morton
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“I don’t have a drinking problem, ’cept when I can’t get a drink.”
Tom Waits
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“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.”
Angus Young, AC/DC
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“Jazz isn’t dead. It just smells funny.”
Frank Zappa
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“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”
Dave Lee Roth, Van Halen
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“I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.”
George Burns
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“When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.”
Bob Hope
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“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, ‘denigrate’ means ‘put down.’”
Bob Newhart
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“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
Johnny Carson
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“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
Jerry Seinfeld
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“I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is.”
Steven Wright
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“I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.”
Eric Morecambe
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“I play all my country and western music backward – your lover returns, your dog comes back and you cease to be an alcoholic.”
Linda Smith
“You should have been here last week. Somebody should have been here last week… we had the bouncers chucking them in. A guy rang up to ask what time the show started and we said, ‘What time can you get here?’ The band was playing ‘Tea For One’ and the audience was on its foot. It was two hours before we found out the cashier was dead…”
